A Season of Thanks

I know this entry is a few days late, but in keeping with the holiday spirit, here is a list of just the few things I am thankful for:

1. My wonderful and supporting family.

2. My beloved friends, who are just like family.

3. The fact that my health has stayed strong throughout this first year of teaching (save for a few flu-like scares and the usual sniffly nose).

4. Having a job during these tough economic times, and for the fact that my dad has been able to keep his job despite this year’s company scares.

5. My kids, who continue to teach me lessons on music, life, and love with every lesson I teach them.

My life is currently crazy, super-charged, stressful, and laced with sporadic moments of revelation and rejection. This school year has made me laugh and cry, discover and question. However, no matter what has been and continues to be thrown at me, I can always be thankful for the things that remain uplifting and the people who act as my foundation, motivation, and emotional rock.

So thank you to all of you out there who care – hopefully you’re reading this J.

"The road to glory..."

It has been a very long time since I’ve last written on here. There have been several reasons for my neglect. For one, I have now entered a time in the school year where I have become ridiculously overwhelmed. With the end of the first quarter bringing tons of grading and catch-up time and the beginning of the second quarter bringing the lovely unexpected surprise of a ton of new classes, the past few weeks have been a lot to deal with. This busy period also involves preparation time for my first (and the school’s first) music performance; thinking about this event has left me feeling excited, overwhelmed, scared, and discouraged (and often all four at once).

Finally, as much as it pains me to admit this, I have been avoiding writing a blog entry because I was incredibly afraid of what the end product would be. Although the past month of school has had its positive moments, it has also been incredibly frustrating and has left me unsure of my teaching ability, my future career, and myself as a human being many a time. What hasn’t helped is that I have also become deeply concerned about my life outside of school. Working at a place where the kids could usually care less about me and treat my class like a punishment – and where the administration and fellow teachers seem to have the same mindset – and then coming home to an empty apartment and feeling like everyone close to me now sees me as an afterthought has become emotionally draining. I know I let a lot of it get to my head too much, but when I’m surrounded by so much negativity, stress, and frustration on a daily basis I find it extremely hard to feel anything but depressed.

Despite all of these draining emotions, there is one little message that keeps me going every morning: “Your road to glory will be rocky, but fulfilling.” I got it on a fortune cookie around the time that I started to become overwhelmed by everything. It may have just been coincidence, but I think it was a small reminder from something or someone to never forget why I took this job. It may not be what I had anticipated, and it may be harder than I could have ever planned. But I wanted to teach in a place like this because I wanted to be more than just a teacher – I wanted to be a changer of lives. I wanted to be the change I saw in the world.

Let’s just hope I can make some sort of positive change by the end of the school year.

To do all things with love

I started this entry a long while ago, but I kept losing my motivation to post it (and my more recent post will try to explain why). I finally decided that it’s getting ridiculous and I need to just put it out there for all of cyberworld to see…before I change my mind again:

It can get quite hard to be in a job like this and not get bogged down by all of the negative energy floating throughout the school – with the students, the frustrated administration and staff, and the stress of keeping enrollment numbers up enough to pass state requirements. So it’s understandable that I would also get sucked into these feelings of frustration and anxiety, and there are definitely many a time where I throw my arms up in defeat because I can’t think of anything else to do. I am reaching a high point of stress myself, as my sixth and eighth graders are rebelling against me, I can’t get my first graders to sit still long enough to learn, and my third and fourth graders are incredibly needy about totally non-music related subjects (like going to the bathroom). However, no matter how horrible certain parts of my day were, I almost always leave with a smile. Why, you ask? Here are a few reasons.

1. These kids are tested until their brains hurt on a daily basis. As resistant as they are to taking a “specials” class seriously, they will eventually come to appreciate the chance to be creative and express their genuine selves.

2. I’m teaching more than just music – I’m teaching these kids how to be people who can not just function but thrive once they leave for the real world.

3. I know that the more obstacles we face together right now, the more fulfilling it will be to finally find success.

4. What I don’t think a lot of people realize is that these are just kids – they are still growing, learning, and should be forgiven and offered the chance to prove themselves even after they falter.

5. If I do nothing else right during the day, I can at least offer a hug to someone who may not feel a whole lot of love throughout the rest of his or her day.

6. These kids are used to people leaving their lives on a regular basis, both in and outside of school. Every day that they see me come back further proves that I’m not just part of the trend.

7. There will always be some teacher who’s around to fill a typical music position at a public or private school. In this case, however, there are so few teachers that would dare to apply, much less take the job.

8. No matter how much I go through in a day, nothing can compare to what my kids have to endure in their everyday lives.

9. I love the opportunity to give my students the kind of voice some of them never even knew they had.

10. If I don’t fight to give these children the gift of music education, who will?

"To just be you."

I was once again eating a Dove chocolate today – I’m forcing myself to eat them as soon as possible, as I just joined a gym this weekend (I’m telling you, it’s REALLY torturous). The quote today said, “Give yourself permission to just be you.” I thought it was rather amusing that I got this quote today of all days. This has likely been one of my hardest days as a teacher. It wasn’t necessarily because of the kids (even though they were far from perfect). It was the fact that I absolutely abhorred my teaching today – I hated the lessons I created, I hated my delivery, and I’m pretty sure that if I was a student in my class today I would have an extremely difficult time enjoying myself as well. As a teacher, you are supposed to be able to accept these days as a natural part of the process, learn from your mistakes, and move on. Essentially, it’s letting yourself “just be you” as a teacher. Yet how can I accept this truth when my students have barely any sympathy for mistakes? Instead of showing compassion at a person’s weakest moments, they see it as an opportunity for domination. Instead of cutting me a break, they knock me down. When I last checked, being me entails not being perfect in the slightest sense, especially when it comes to how I run my classroom. In this teaching environment, then, how can I possibly be comfortable giving myself permission to be me when my students obviously do not accept that as enough?

"...hanging on after others let go."

I’ll be honest – as much as I have been trying to adopt healthier eating habits, my addiction to chocolate is one problem that I have yet to completely fix. Yes, I may have decreased how much I eat of the delicious confection, but I definitely cannot get through one day of school without something sweet in my system. So today, a handful of mini Dove pieces was the chocolate of my choosing. They’re a particularly favorite option because they are both delectable and inspiring with the cute little quotes on the wrappers. Some of them are corny, but others are actually worth reading. The one I got today seemed particularly fitting: “Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.”

Now I took this quote in two different ways. One could interpret it to mean that the ones who succeed are the ones who keep pushing after all others have been struck down. This truth is incredibly apparent in a school like mine. If you observe the number of teachers who are seasoned vets versus the ones who are new, the ratio leans drastically towards the latter. However, those few who hang on and stay longer receive much more respect in the classroom, and more respect equates to a great deal of success with their teaching. The more immediately relatable interpretation, however, is the idea that success is achieved by those who hang on even after they’re left to fight the battles alone. In the past couple of weeks, I have felt incredibly alone in my struggles to make it through my days of teaching. I don’t have many people I see often outside of school, and the colleagues I do speak to are jaded and all-around negative right now about teaching. Essentially, if I want to have a successful life right now, I can only rely on myself. Others have let go of me; it’s up to me to stay hanging.

I can only hope that someone will be there to help me back up if I fall.

"If you expect respect..."

Once again, it’s been a while since I last blogged. Let’s recap a little:

Number of times my schedule has changed: 2…or was it 3…

Number of fights broken out in my room: 3

Number of times I have heard “I hate this class”: Infinity plus one

Number of “I hate this class” comments that I knew were untrue but still did not enjoy hearing: that same infinity plus one

Number of tears cried: Too many to count

Number of smiles: Not enough for my liking

I know it’s not the most enlightening list. But as I stated in my last post, this month hasn’t been the easiest. There have been days when I’ve come home so incredibly frustrated because I was not able to actually teach, I could not properly manage my classroom, I had to make way too many phone calls home, and on several occasions I ended up feeling absolutely worthless.

I’ll be honest – there were a couple of days in these past couple weeks where I let myself wallow in the pain of teaching failure. Luckily, however, I was able to brush myself off (or at least brush off enough to get me by) and address my issues from a more logical stance. I asked my mentors for help and advice, I went to professional development meetings, and I brainstormed as much as possible. In the end, I came to several extremely important conclusions. First, I reminded myself that this is a highly intimidating setting for a first-year teacher and that I have never done this before. Second, not only is this a learning process for me, it’s also a process for my students. They are dealing with a hefty amount of change – new procedures, new teachers, new curriculums, and now music class for the first time in forever – and dealing with change for anyone can give a major shock to your system. Third, I realized (with a small bit of shame) that I was not holding myself to the same standards to which I attempt to hold my kids. While observing one of the best substitute teachers that works at our school, I asked her just how she gets these kids to listen to her and actually enjoy her teaching. She simply stated, “I show them the respect they want to see. They won’t give you respect unless they see that you will show them respect – that’s simple human nature.” At that moment, I felt completely ridiculous for not figuring this out earlier. I even have a poster on my wall that I refer to with my kids: “If you expect respect, be the first to show it.” It was MY responsibility to be the first to show respect. And it’s not that I don’t respect my kids – it’s simply that I have gotten so caught up in the frustration of keeping them in line that I have neglected to treat them like people. Instead of trying to mend bridges with my children, I was essentially adding oil to the flames and hoping the bridges wouldn’t burn.

A friend asked me yesterday if I thought I would stay in this job longer than a year. I honestly don’t know how I will feel about my position once my contract ends, and it is impossible for me to predict my future decisions at this point in the game. Nevertheless, I have now convinced myself that I must not leave these kids until I am sure that our bridges have been rebuilt and will remain stabilized for years to come in their education.

"Life is like a piano..."

My second month at school did not start out on the best foot. I didn’t even know if I had the heart to post a really hopeful entry today, but isn’t it only being honest of me to write about my high points AND my low points? My day simply felt like a slew of out-of-control classes. I literally got no teaching done, and it seemed like none of the disciplining tactics I tried worked. I had kids laugh in my face, claim they “never heard” me or “didn’t remember” that I had said something, or completely ignore that I was talking to them. This is the first day that I have experienced this much disrespect from so many classes in a row. The kids may be crazy because they just got the new Spanish teacher this week, but that doesn’t mean they can treat my class like a free-for-all too. By the end of the day, I could barely get into my car before I had an emotional breakdown and started bawling my eyes out. It was the first day that I really contemplated whether or not this was what I should be doing with my career.

However, I will say that a hopeful moment happened today when I got home and decided to look through one of my music supplies magazines. It was a catalog of cheesy gifts and classroom items, and it got my mind off of things. In it I found a musical pillow with the quote, “Life is like a piano – what you get out of it depends on how you play it.” It got me thinking about the many times I broke down at the piano because of my horribly disappointing practice sessions. But once I got past my feelings of self-loathing, I balanced my emotions, had more successful practice sessions, and in time my playing improved. This is what will get me up and going back to school tomorrow.

To Review the Week...

Wow, I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I last wrote. I just haven’t been the most motivated to record my daily findings, triumphs, and tribulations. But now I’ve had the time to contemplate and reflect on the events that bothered me this week and have discovered several positives where I had originally thought only problems existed. I’ll try my best to summarize my ups and downs.

I have written a lot of referrals this week. Probably not a lot compared to what more seasoned teachers at my school have done, but I still have a lot. For those teachers out there who may be reading this, let me try and give you some perspective on my position: Picture that one kid in your class who acts out, talks back, gets frustrated, and would most likely do a lot better in school if he or she had specialized teaching or extra help. Now, multiply that by about 10 or 15 for each class period. Those are the students that I am constantly facing, and although we have an excellent special education staff that is consistently testing students and meeting individualized needs, there are simply not enough of them to reach every student at once. Ergo, I am faced with the challenge of keeping attitudes and moments of acting out at bay, and sometimes the best I can do is write the student up so that I can call home and alert the parent or guardian of their issues. It is the school’s procedure, and until I can find a more effective method I’m sticking to it. I got most nervous of this procedure this week when I got my first angry parent phone call in response to her son being written up. I stood my ground, but it still shook me, and I wish I could find another way to successfully bring attention to the troublesome students whose parents are in complete denial that they need help.

On the lighter side of parent interaction, I met several parents at our Open House who were very pleased to talk to me. I even had a mom who told me her daughter absolutely had to come visit my room that night because I was her favorite teacher. I’m someone’s favorite! Those few positive parent and student interactions that arise during any given week definitely make up for the unnerving ones.

We also had our first day of drumming on Friday. Many of my hopes were quickly shattered when I realized that I have yet to find an effective way to get students to behave long enough to learn correct drumming techniques. Even classes that had lost time on the drums because of their behavior the day before could not shape up enough to get through the lesson. I really still don’t understand the logic of these students – wouldn’t they rather follow directions and get to make music the entire period rather than cause trouble, only get to make music for a short time, and get written in their behavior folders? Their inability to grasp this one important and seemingly simple concept is still baffling to me.

Despite their lack of respect and illogical behavior, my students definitely possess a high level of natural musical talent. I had my Kindergartners keeping steady beat within the first lesson. I had my Sixth and Eighth Graders matching rhythm syllables to music lyrics. There were even students from the interview lesson I taught back in May remember specific details of the drumming sequence I did with them. Once I reel them in, the things they can do with music are astounding. It’s the hooking part that I can’t quite seem to get yet. And if I get it…no, WHEN I get it.... the end result will be amazing.

In other news, it has been days since I’ve seen Hug Boy. My mornings have been a little empty without him around to catapult himself into my arms…er, well, more like my leg.

Another Manic Monday, and Hug Boy

Today was definitely a Monday. The kids were dragging, the teachers were dragging, and you knew everyone was already psyched for Friday to be here. For some reason, this Monday seemed especially draining. Maybe it was the fact that I had an extra 10 kids in almost every class because the Spanish teacher has yet to show her face. Or perhaps it was the fact that I was running errands all during my break. Or maybe I was too worn out from my fretful weekend that I couldn’t process any more classroom woes. I think it was a combination of all three.

It’s really frustrating to feel like I’ve already run out of effective classroom management techniques and it’s only the third week of school. I’m learning a few new ones each day, but they don’t work much longer than about five minutes. I made up my own writing assignments for my kids over the weekend, and I was able to give one out already today, so we’ll see how it works. It’s difficult for me to determine what kind of punishment is a fair punishment. The main culprit in my room is that people are constantly talking over me. It’s rude, it’s disrespectful, and they know it’s not how to treat any teacher – or, from a parent’s perspective, it could be a new teacher’s sheer inability to control her classroom. I actually had a parent stop by today to pick up her child early from school. She peered in to my room of chaos and disorder (of course she had to come into the class where I had boys doing back flips in the middle of the room), and she asked me how long I had been teaching at the school. When I said it was my first year, she practically had a “well NOW it all makes sense” look on her face. I know that a very young and new teacher equates to “fresh meat” for students, but does that really have to mean that my teaching will not be taken seriously at all? I’m afraid that when I make my next phone call home, the parent will just pass it off as my inability to control my classroom and teach well. I fear that it may be why the parent I called last week never returned my voicemail.

On the lighter side, there were some kids that I was very excited to see today. Like all of the students to whom I gave “ROCKSTAR” awards – it was awesome to see their faces light up when they saw the “treasure chest” I made up with all the random trinkets I had collected over the years. Or the little four-year-old with adorable, slightly pudgy cheeks that smiles and waves to me whenever she walks by me. And I will always love seeing the kid I have affectionately named “Hug Boy” come down the hall every morning. He gives the best hugs I have ever gotten from a kid, bearing his toothy grin and his arms open wide as he careens into my leg. What’s even better is that I don’t even think I have him in my class yet.

Oh Hug Boy – it’s you who gets me through days like today.

P.S. - For any of you teachers out there that may be reading my blog, please feel free to offer any suggestions for effective classroom management.

A One-Man Army

I tried my hardest this weekend to do what my art teacher suggested – I tried to let go and forget about what went on at school last week. I tried to forget things that people said, what people did, what went wrong. But random thoughts kept swimming through my head and wouldn’t stop. And by random, I really do mean just that. For instance, of all the issues I have to worry about in the classroom, I’ve surprisingly had the biggest problems with kids going to the bathroom. Now that I’m down the furthest hallway, I’m afraid to let my babies go down and get into trouble, so I finally made a rule that nobody could go to the bathroom unless it was an absolute emergency. I mean their classroom teachers should take them regularly enough during the day, right? Well the minute I had a student tell me that if she wet herself her dad said she would “get a whoopin’” when she got home, worries started racing through my head: Have I really let something as silly as going to the bathroom put my kids in harm’s way? Have I done anything else that warranted one of my kids getting in serious trouble, beaten, or worse at home? Have I been too lax about the well being of my class? I have spent so much time trying to be “Tough Miss G” that I ruined the potential atmosphere of safety and security in my classroom?

With these and countless other questions practically drowning my thoughts this weekend, I suddenly realized just how alone I felt in this whole endeavor. I know that I am of course on my own when I’m in the classroom with my kids. However, I have yet to experience much guidance in terms of how to deal with the unexpected problems I am now facing. Occasionally, the Principal or Academy Director will walk by and ask how I’m doing, and I’ll say that I’m doing okay or I’ll ask them a quick question that is currently on my mind and requires a quick response. But what would happen if I ever tried to ask them for help on classroom management, serious behavior issues, or other questions that took more than a two-sentence response? They’re always rushing around and talking to me in passing, I never know when they have spare time to talk with me. I am set up to be a one-man army in a battle that I have never fought, and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stand my ground alone. Even worse, I am now at the far end of the hallway, which means that I’m not only fighting my own battle but I’m stuck on my own island with very little means to call in reinforcements if necessary. Essentially, I just don’t know if my defense is strong enough for everything that will come my way.

As a side note, I was also kind of bothered by he fact that I didn’t make it into my principal’s “Kudos” list this week. She sends us an email each day, and every once in a while she likes including specific praise to teachers who were caught performing their jobs outstandingly. This week, she had an extremely long list of teachers…and I was not one of them. I know my teaching hasn’t been extraordinary in the least, but after everything that has been going on I thought I would get something, like “Kudos to Miss G for being so understanding when we moved her classroom” or “Kudos to Miss G for actually getting her students singing!” or “Kudos to Miss G for trying her best to help us create a solid music curriculum at the school.” Just sayin’.

(By the way, the last comment was for my mom, and anyone else who happened to see the “Just Sayin’” bit on John Stewart the other night)

Smiles are hard to come by

Honestly, today was not the best end to my week. What’s funny is that I had been feeling so high from my progress as of yesterday. Yes, I hadn’t had perfect classes, but I had found myself following a stride that I felt was promising. I mean I was able to handle comforting a crying 4-year-old who was scared and missing her mother while simultaneously barking orders to out-of-control students and handing out referrals without even breaking a sweat. I even made my first parent phone calls (though I couldn’t get ahold of them). When I had left yesterday, I was pleased to be finishing Week Two on the up side of things.

Unfortunately, my last day of the week did not go as smoothly as I had hoped. Instead of singing, playing games, and having fun before the weekend, I was signing folders, giving lunch detentions, yelling at the top of my lungs, and sending people to the nurse because they couldn’t play games without hitting each other. I mean really, who has ever heard of someone getting sent to the nurse because they got hurt in music class?

By the end of the day, I was immensely frustrated that all I did was discipline. Even giving out my first “Rock Star” Award was a bust because the girl was absent, which simply meant that everyone else in the class whined because they wanted the award instead. I know it’s only my second week and I can’t have all the answers on classroom management, but a large part of me greatly wishes that I had enough skill to finally get past this chaos and teach. I feel like I have failed my kids because I can’t get their attention long enough to teach them music – I want this to be the class where they can have fun, learn something new, and feel a unique sense of accomplishment, and I still don’t know how to give that to them. And it makes me sick to think about the first time my principal comes in to observe me. Here she is excited to see singing and instrument playing, and all she’ll be getting is mushy minds and frustrated kids.

Although it means giving up my only break during the day, I must visit my art teacher next week to see how he works. He is supposedly the king of classroom management at our school, and since I feel myself growing into a dunce I could greatly benefit from his knowledge. I can only hope that it’s not already too late to start rebuilding the bridges I have started to burn with some of my classes.

Frustrations...and Triumphs

Slight setback this morning – I found out from my principal that I was going to be moved to another room in the building. I’m assuming it’s because the teacher next door to me is worried about my class being too noisy and hearing music through the wall. I understand her worry, and I really do not want to be the one to interrupt these kids’ learning. But honestly, what did they expect to happen when they put me next to another classroom?

Although my initial reaction was one of frustration and disappointment, I decided to be proactive and make a list of pros and cons, with the goal being to have more pros than cons on said list. Here’s what I have so far:

Pro: My kids will get to make as much noise (which I SWEAR will one day become actual music) as they want to in the new room without getting complaints.

Con: My new room is now so far away from anyone else, I’m afraid of finding myself in a situation where I won’t be able to find help.

Pro: I will be right across the way from the supply closet where all of my extra music equipment is still stored.

Con: I had just brought three cart loads of instruments from said supply closet all the way down the hall, only to bring it all the way back again.

Pro: Despite previous talks of me being on a cart to go to my babies’ classes (aka Kindergarten through Fourth Grade) because they were afraid of transitioning through the older students’ hallway, I will now be able to have everyone come to me.

Con: Gosh darn it…I’m going to be lonely down there ☹

Pro: After this whole mess is figured out (did I mention I have to do all of my moving before Monday?), I’m hoping to use this as leverage to guilt trip the administration into letting me have a decently sized budget to buy new classroom materials…Haha, just kidding! But seriously, I haven’t completely taken it out of the picture.
Despite this minor frustration in the morning, as well as various other headaches formed with my kids today, I did experience several triumphs by the end of the afternoon. Like the fact that the P.E. teacher recognizes that I have a backbone, which has not been easy to prove to some people in this setting and something I found quite flattering. Or having my principal tell me that I was special to her and that she would do anything she could to make sure I got whatever help I needed to build my curriculum. But my favorite praise by far today was when our assistant principal said he’s been telling everyone about how excited he is that I’m already getting some of my kids to sing. He even went home and told his wife – it’s kind of cool to think that what I do can literally hit home some times.

So with this long day done, I officially retire for some much-needed rest…as long as I can fall asleep in this thunderstorm.

Finding a smile in every day

I would be flat-out lying my little teacher’s patootie off if I said it was easy to find a reason to smile every day at school. I have already faced many a day where I feel like my face is frozen in that horrible scowl I give my classes who are acting up. Even though my personal promise to smile at least once in every class has not been working so well, I can always follow up on that goal on paper. I have a teacher plan book that I write in every day when I can (*Note to music teachers, especially in General Music: Janet Day’s Music Teacher Plan-It is an absolute Godsend). I have a space for each period to write what we accomplished (always good to see), what we didn’t accomplish (unfortunately that part has been getting longer and longer for some classes), and any other extra notes I want to remember for that particular class. Whenever I have a class that has been especially good, for whatever reason, I put a smiley face in their box. It may be given for something major, like the fact that we got through an entire lesson, actually made music, AND we all enjoyed ourselves. Believe it or not, I have honestly made several smileys for this. It could also be for something seemingly small, like the fact that they really enjoyed singing for once or the kids made me laugh or they stayed focused just a few minutes longer than they had the period before. Whatever the reason, being able to see how many smiles can fill my planner for the day, the week, the month, or the year gives me just enough hope that something good is already happening in my class. And that hope pushes me to make those smiles multiply by the end of my term with this batch of kids.

Unfortunately, I could not write many smiles about today. I blame it on something in the water, a possible full moon, or a strange virus going around, because all of the other teachers had the same bizarre experiences with their classes. But it’s no matter – it just means that I will look for more smiles tomorrow. After all, as a fortune cookie I got once said, “Your smile is a curve that can get a lot of things straight.”

☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺

Things to Teach Your Kid

Sometimes I won’t have a lot of time for a really long post (I know, it’s shocking that I won’t always write a small novel). Tonight, I will instead leave you with my current “Top Ten” list of things to teach your kids, which are based on my current experiences in the classroom (and with other people):

1. Respect your elders. No matter how much older they are than you, they are still people that deserve your trust and kindness.
2. Respect your peers. It doesn’t matter if they are white, black, or purple polka-dotted; they are people all the same.
3. Always use your manners...And no, the term “I gotta USE it!” is not a polite way to ask to go to the bathroom.
4. Treat others how you would want to be treated. If you really enjoy people giving you attitude, yelling at you, making fun of you, and the like, well then go ahead – be a turd!
5. Best friends are always waiting out there for you. It may just take a little longer than expected to find them.
6. Always take wise advice when it is offered. You never know when it will come back into play and help you break through one of life’s many obstacles.
7. You can do anything you want to in life. No seriously, you can. As long as you face a new career/love/life path with true passion and conviction, there is nobody who can honestly tell you that you can’t do it.
8. Even when you find that special life path, never forget to stop along the way and take time just for you.
9. Those you love (and who love you) are invaluable resources. They will help you through some of your toughest battles, even if they can’t fight them for you.
10. It may be hard to see sometimes, but there is always someone out there who loves you.

That’s what I could think of right now. Feel free to add to the list ☺

"Go home and forget about it all..."

I have officially finished my first week of real teaching, and oh what a week it has been! I thought the week and a half of teacher training we did prior to the students coming was overwhelming enough. Now THIS week has been a mind-melting, nerve-bending five days of new experiences and information to absorb.

For the first few days of school, “organization” was definitely not a word that was used in our vocabulary. Even though we had our brains fried by endless pieces of information the week before, us newbies were left out in the cold with many very important pieces of protocol (like how we should take attendance, since the online system has yet to be up and running). Oh, and my daily schedule was changed at least three times in the first day, meaning that not only was I totally confused about what classes I would be receiving from period to period, the classroom teachers were equally confused. This meant that I had no break the second day – not the most fun.

My kids have quite some personality too. Some of them are excellent – my “star students” as I like to call them. Unfortunately, I currently have more bad eggs in my basket than stars. In these first few days, I have already had students give me attitude, talk back to me, refuse to give me their behavior folders because I’m “just” the music teacher, declare that they don’t care about music class because their parents said their reading and math grades matter more, complain that they like Spanish class better, and say that they are glad they only have music every other day. As much as it has genuinely hurt me to hear these opinions, I have tried my absolute best to stay firm. I have marked in students’ behavior folders left and right, given writing assignments, talked to students out in the hall, talked to their homeroom teachers, and any other defense I could muster on the spot. A sort of “fight or flight” instinct kicks in when faced with such an extreme classroom management fiasco – the teacher either stays firm and follows through, or she doubts and lets her kids walk all over her. As much as I prefer Happy Ms. G over Tough Ms. G, I had to make a choice, and I chose to fight. You wouldn’t go into a battle without your armor, right?

That all being said, there were some genuinely enjoyable parts to the week. One of my 2nd Grade classes, for instance, are some of the greatest kids I have ever taught. When I played a recording of myself in one of my 8th Grade classes, they called it “beasty”. They’re already learning various aspects of good behavior I’m trying to instill, like raising their hands before speaking, not saying “shut up” (a very very bad habit all of these kids have), and using words like “Ma’am” and “Sir.” They don’t like all of the music I have shown them, but they do like some and are giving some very insightful responses. Oh, and my favorite part of the week was when one of my 6th Grade classes called me “jumptified” because of my piano playing skills and sweet dance moves (okay…maybe they’re not totally sweet, but they’re not bad). It’s moments like these that I hold on to when I go home at the end of the day, and the moments that inspire me to wake up and do it all again the next day.

I have already immersed myself in the habit of bringing work home with me to affect practically every other aspect of my life. I’m always updating lesson plans, checking my work email, and looking for more supplies. Heck, even on my days off, I’ve woken up in the middle of giving lessons in my sleep. But my art teacher, who I can already tell is going to be a priceless resource this year, gave me some very sage advice: the minute you leave school, you forget about it all. This is not to say that I shouldn’t care about my kids outside of school hours, as I most definitely will. But there will be stories I hear, experiences I have, and emotions I feel within this year that simply cannot affect me at home if I hope to keep my sanity. I need to be able to decompress, relax, and find time for my own peace of mind each day. As much as I like to have the heart of a martyr, I also need to worry about my own well being now. After all, how can I expect to be there for my kids if I am not completely there myself?

Essentially, this first week was an incredibly overwhelming, tiring, and eye opening experience. And I know there is much more to come in this next week…that’s what will be inspiring me to get up and go back tomorrow morning.

"Where you are is where you're supposed to be"

Wow, a lot has happened since I last posted. I have now been a college graduate for two months and 12 days. Though I was not able to travel the world like I have done the past two summers (and what my best friend got to do this summer), I do believe it has been one of the most eventful and life-changing summers I have had to date. This fact is particularly seen in my updated list of completed tasks:

--Job applications Completed: once again, a lot
--Interviews, both real and otherwise: 10
--Number of Headaches Formed, Upset Stomachs, Tears Cried, etc: infinity plus one
--Number of music camps taught/assisted: 5
--Private lessons taught: very very many, and always with very different outcomes
--Number of job offers: 3 (I’m counting the last one even though it was only sort of an offer…whatever, it was an offer!)
--Number of job acceptances: 1 very very big one ☺
--Apartments in the greater Dayton area viewed: 10-ish
--Apartments leased: 1 (yay!)
--Number of friends returned from very long overseas adventures: 1 very important best friend ☺

Yes, I ended up accepting the job at the Dayton charter school. I fretted over the issue for almost two weeks. I made a list of pros and cons, I worried about whether the pros and cons on said list were viable, I asked countless people for advice, and I researched as much as I could (and probably more than I should have). But in the end, it suddenly hit me: I have a decent job offer during the worst economic periods our generation has witnessed. It doesn’t matter if this isn’t the best job in the world – it’s only my first job, and it will be a valuable experience no matter what the outcome. I keep forgetting that this first job doesn’t have to be the be-all-end-all. It just has to be my present state of being. Every chapter in my life is full of growth, discovery, happiness, sadness, uncertainty, satisfaction, and triumph. My college chapter gave me all of this, and though the ending was quite bittersweet it is still a part of my story that I will remember fondly. My new job is simply the next chapter, full of experiences I have not yet reached. I do not know how this chapter will resolve, but I do know that it will bring my life story to new heights, which can never be a negative thing.

In the harried state I’ve been in as of late, I kind of started to forget how reassuring it is to have a wise best friend with whom to share your ponderings. During my much-needed walk with Sam the other night, I started sharing my thoughts on my new job. I explained my fears, trepidations, and uncertainties in many ways, until finally I simply said, “What if this isn’t where I’m supposed to be?” Sam just shook his head and replied, “Where you are is where you’re supposed to be.” That was all he said, and that was all he (or anyone) needed to say. I can try and create life philosophies until I’m blue in the face, but I forget that sometimes the hardest questions can be combated with the simplest and purest of answers. Thank God for best friends to remind me of this incredibly important fact.

"Find your own light"

I am currently in a career and life quandary…however, I’m not sure if I really need to be in a quandary at all. Since it’s me, I guess I’m practically required to rationalize, overanalyze, and question to the point of insanity. Let’s backtrack a bit…Tuesday was my interview with Columbus City. Although it was just a preliminary round and nothing major, I still got good vibes from the whole experience; as with anything in my life, I thrive on the adrenaline of my “gut feelings” and usually take them as truth. I came home in my super-psyched state to discover an interesting twist when I opened my computer: the Dayton charter school offered me the job. Needless to say, it was rather unexpected. I should be excited, right? This was THE job that I had been fighting for, and now it was being given to me. Unfortunately, this unending pang of uncertainty and hesitation has kept me from saying yes.

So these past few days have been harrowingly nerve-wracking for the natural worrier in me. I’ve taken the advice of a professor and good friend and made a list of pros and cons. The list was helpful to an extent, except for the fact that seeing ANY cons on the list worried me still. I tried to look at the situation realistically while also maintaining my drive to find where I most belong. This too has proven to be hard right now—I can’t decide if this school is where I belong, but the fact that I’m getting any kind of a job offer in the current economic situation is a feat and a turn of fate that I’m not sure I want to tamper with right now. All of my emotions boil down to one: the fear of regret that I will make the wrong decision.

But honestly, what is the “right” decision anyway? It’s my life, and while I do strongly believe in fate, in the end it all depends on what I decide to do with the cards I’m dealt. I need to stop thinking five, ten, twenty years ahead with my life right now. All I should be concerned with is what I’m going to do in the next year, and once I figure out my school year plans I can take it one day and one small step at a time. As that same professor/friend wisely told me, the present is not forever. Just because I choose to work somewhere next year does not mean that I will have to be stuck in one place for the rest of my life. There are other possibilities out there and more opportunities if I keep my eyes open, my thoughts positive, and observe opportunities that fall into my lap.

Which brings me back to the current very big but equally daunting opportunity that seems to have fallen rather laboriously in front of me. On one hand, this could be a good opportunity for the present. It’s a job that gives me a lot of creative freedom, and the experiences I will have with the students and administration (both positive and negative) will help shape my future career in some way. However, with this creative and musical freedom comes the burden of creating an entire curriculum from scratch in a setting that I’ve never taught in before. Heck, I’ve never really taught anywhere, so how can I properly discipline students who have never had to learn proper behaviors in a music classroom? I also wonder if it’s the best opportunity I will be able to find. A lot can happen in the next few months, but with the state of the current economy a lot could not happen or fall apart too.

I keep thinking back to Buddha’s (supposedly) final words: “Doubt everything. Find your own light.” I saw it written on a poster the same day I heard about the Dayton school, and I’ve been trying my best to decipher and follow it ever since. In my job search process, what doubts are valid to have? And where will I be able to find my “own light”? Maybe my dilemma right now is that my light is still waiting to be discovered in some opportunity that is currently unbeknownst to me. Or maybe my light is simply being snuffed underneath the worrying, doubt, and trepidation that I have been excessively exuding.

So what will end up being stronger—the feeling of regret towards missing out on an opportunity because I jumped too soon at an offer, or regretting missing the opportunity that was right there at my fingertips??

To Be Where My Feet Are

The Future. That’s the great big unknown that’s on everyone’s minds, no matter what stage of life in which they currently find themselves. And lately, everyone close to me has been concerned with what my future holds: What are my career plans? Where do I intend to be? Who am I going to become? And no matter how badly I want to give people answers (and want to have answers for my own peace of mind)…I simply can’t.

All I keep worrying about lately is that unknown ahead of me. I don’t know where I’ll be in the fall, and I don’t know what I’ll be doing. This also means that I have no idea what lies further into the future—Grad School? A PhD? Stuck in the same job in which I started? Doing something other than teaching or music? The Great Unknown that is the future is simply a mystery to me…what I need to remember is that that’s exactly how it should be.

I keep thinking back to the last mass I went to at UD. The Sister who made the opening remarks gave a special message for the graduating Seniors. Among her many moving words about what the future held for us, she reminded us to always keep our hearts where our feet were. Sounds simple enough, right? Yet the future can be an intriguing force, particularly for someone like me who is constantly trying to move forward. With all of these worries floating through my head about my future career and all of the other concerned people around me adding to my desire to not disappoint, thinking about my future has basically become an obsession. I have already started to forget that the most beneficial and effective thing I can do for myself at this point is to embrace and focus on the now. Every day is a gift, and every moment can bring new opportunities and adventures. But if all I do is fret about what’s waiting around the corner for me, I could actually end up missing out on something amazing.

Being “where my feet are” also entails that I need to refrain from these feelings of regret. Are there aspects of my college career that I wish had panned out differently? Yes, but I also created countless memories that made me the person I am today, and there is no way of changing the past anyway. Do I wish that some of the interviews that I’ve had thus far could have gone differently? Yes, definitely, but as I said before there is no way of changing the past. Would I rather be off having amazing adventures like some of my friends this summer than staying here to fret about finding a job? Of course, and I would love to be joining them right now. I’ll readily admit that I’m jealous of my best friend who is off living in Italy or of the UD travelers lucky enough to return to Jamaica and see the students I fell in love with only a year ago. But those are their adventures to be had right now, and I’ll be able to have my own again when the time is right.

If all I do is obsess over my regrets, I won’t be able to live my life to its fullest. And if I keep stressing over what the future holds, I’ll actually end up missing out on the experiences that arise. So, in short, what I need to do is accept my past for what it has given me, leave the future to run the course that it is meant to travel, and always keep my heart in the present—right where my feet are.