"Find your own light"

I am currently in a career and life quandary…however, I’m not sure if I really need to be in a quandary at all. Since it’s me, I guess I’m practically required to rationalize, overanalyze, and question to the point of insanity. Let’s backtrack a bit…Tuesday was my interview with Columbus City. Although it was just a preliminary round and nothing major, I still got good vibes from the whole experience; as with anything in my life, I thrive on the adrenaline of my “gut feelings” and usually take them as truth. I came home in my super-psyched state to discover an interesting twist when I opened my computer: the Dayton charter school offered me the job. Needless to say, it was rather unexpected. I should be excited, right? This was THE job that I had been fighting for, and now it was being given to me. Unfortunately, this unending pang of uncertainty and hesitation has kept me from saying yes.

So these past few days have been harrowingly nerve-wracking for the natural worrier in me. I’ve taken the advice of a professor and good friend and made a list of pros and cons. The list was helpful to an extent, except for the fact that seeing ANY cons on the list worried me still. I tried to look at the situation realistically while also maintaining my drive to find where I most belong. This too has proven to be hard right now—I can’t decide if this school is where I belong, but the fact that I’m getting any kind of a job offer in the current economic situation is a feat and a turn of fate that I’m not sure I want to tamper with right now. All of my emotions boil down to one: the fear of regret that I will make the wrong decision.

But honestly, what is the “right” decision anyway? It’s my life, and while I do strongly believe in fate, in the end it all depends on what I decide to do with the cards I’m dealt. I need to stop thinking five, ten, twenty years ahead with my life right now. All I should be concerned with is what I’m going to do in the next year, and once I figure out my school year plans I can take it one day and one small step at a time. As that same professor/friend wisely told me, the present is not forever. Just because I choose to work somewhere next year does not mean that I will have to be stuck in one place for the rest of my life. There are other possibilities out there and more opportunities if I keep my eyes open, my thoughts positive, and observe opportunities that fall into my lap.

Which brings me back to the current very big but equally daunting opportunity that seems to have fallen rather laboriously in front of me. On one hand, this could be a good opportunity for the present. It’s a job that gives me a lot of creative freedom, and the experiences I will have with the students and administration (both positive and negative) will help shape my future career in some way. However, with this creative and musical freedom comes the burden of creating an entire curriculum from scratch in a setting that I’ve never taught in before. Heck, I’ve never really taught anywhere, so how can I properly discipline students who have never had to learn proper behaviors in a music classroom? I also wonder if it’s the best opportunity I will be able to find. A lot can happen in the next few months, but with the state of the current economy a lot could not happen or fall apart too.

I keep thinking back to Buddha’s (supposedly) final words: “Doubt everything. Find your own light.” I saw it written on a poster the same day I heard about the Dayton school, and I’ve been trying my best to decipher and follow it ever since. In my job search process, what doubts are valid to have? And where will I be able to find my “own light”? Maybe my dilemma right now is that my light is still waiting to be discovered in some opportunity that is currently unbeknownst to me. Or maybe my light is simply being snuffed underneath the worrying, doubt, and trepidation that I have been excessively exuding.

So what will end up being stronger—the feeling of regret towards missing out on an opportunity because I jumped too soon at an offer, or regretting missing the opportunity that was right there at my fingertips??