How Can I Be The Change?

I have officially been a graduate of The University of Dayton for two weeks and three days. I’d like to say that between then and now I’ve begun my adjustment into the “real world”—gotten a job, found a new place, established myself as an independent woman. Unfortunately, saying that I’ve made my switch into the real world would be a lie. Well, half a lie. I have found jobs teaching…but they are only part-time and will only get me by for the time being. I’m finishing my move into a new place…where I’m really no more than a squatter because I’m not even on the contract and will only be staying there for a couple of months. I am desperately searching for my independence…but a lack of a full-time job (and therefore a lack of adequate income) has left me to still rely on my parents for many things. Basically, I haven’t become an active contributor to the real world yet, but I’m trying. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough, or maybe I’m just worrying too much, I can’t really decide.

As far as the job front goes, here’s what I’ve accomplished so far:

--Applications Completed: let’s just leave it at a LOT
--Number of Cover Letters/Resumes Sent Out: once again, a LOT
--Interviews That Are Like Real Interviews (But Actually Get Me Nowhere): 6
--Real Interviews: 3 (and one more on the way next week!)
--Follow-Up Interviews: 1
--Failed Attempts to Get Useful Information From Schools: ugh
--Number of Headaches Formed, Arguments with Parents, Tears Cried, etc: infinity

The single follow-up I had consisted of me giving a sample lesson to a class. They told me that I would find out about whether or not I got the job by Friday…of last week. I’m not sure what to think about it all, but my gut tells me that their lack of communication is not a good sign. It also doesn’t help my hope when I remember how the principal of the school began our conversation after my lesson with the comment, “Well, it wasn’t a bad lesson, but…” Yeah, probably not a good sign.

I really have come to despise this interview process. When potential employers meet me, I want them to see that I’m passionate about music, passionate about teaching, and most of all passionate about having a positive impact on my students’ lives. But I’m having an incredibly difficult time getting this across in one 30-minute interview. Maybe I need to re-think my responses to their questions. Maybe I need to work on being more concise, less flowery, and just get to what they really want to hear (if I can figure out what that is). Maybe I just need to stop worrying all the time about everything.

Or maybe I really haven’t found the job where I would have a positive and influential impact on children’s lives. I have developed this intense yearning for a career where I can make children happy, help them grow to be more creative and sensitive beings, and help them find success. I don’t want to just make beautiful music, I want to nurture beautiful people in whatever sense that means to each individual. Essentially, as Gandhi put it, I want to be the change that I see in the world. But what if these dreams that I believe come from the heart are actually lofty and presumptuous ideas? What if there truly aren’t any children out there who need the minimal change that I can provide? If you look at it from a certain perspective, my desire to change my students could be pure conceit.

I know, it is pointless to have such worries now before I’ve even gotten a job. But it’s me, and I’m an expert in unnecessary premature stressing. Excessive worrying is simply in my nature, as is wanting to succeed in the tasks I take to heart and always doing right by people. So unfortunately, I don’t know if my worrying will be stopping any time soon this summer.

All of these recent ponderings bear a surprising relation to a quote I saw on a piece of jewelry in Kohl’s today (yes, Kohl’s, of all places): “The greatest gift you can give the world is to be the person you dream you can be.” Funny how inspiration can arise in the most unlikely of places—here I was looking for bedding, and instead I found motivation. I don’t know what lies ahead for me in the coming weeks, months, years. But honestly, how could I? Only time, determination, and faith will map out the path I take. All I can do is hope for the best and continue to dream that one day I’ll be one of the many great people who make change in this world.

But first...I need a job.