A One-Man Army

I tried my hardest this weekend to do what my art teacher suggested – I tried to let go and forget about what went on at school last week. I tried to forget things that people said, what people did, what went wrong. But random thoughts kept swimming through my head and wouldn’t stop. And by random, I really do mean just that. For instance, of all the issues I have to worry about in the classroom, I’ve surprisingly had the biggest problems with kids going to the bathroom. Now that I’m down the furthest hallway, I’m afraid to let my babies go down and get into trouble, so I finally made a rule that nobody could go to the bathroom unless it was an absolute emergency. I mean their classroom teachers should take them regularly enough during the day, right? Well the minute I had a student tell me that if she wet herself her dad said she would “get a whoopin’” when she got home, worries started racing through my head: Have I really let something as silly as going to the bathroom put my kids in harm’s way? Have I done anything else that warranted one of my kids getting in serious trouble, beaten, or worse at home? Have I been too lax about the well being of my class? I have spent so much time trying to be “Tough Miss G” that I ruined the potential atmosphere of safety and security in my classroom?

With these and countless other questions practically drowning my thoughts this weekend, I suddenly realized just how alone I felt in this whole endeavor. I know that I am of course on my own when I’m in the classroom with my kids. However, I have yet to experience much guidance in terms of how to deal with the unexpected problems I am now facing. Occasionally, the Principal or Academy Director will walk by and ask how I’m doing, and I’ll say that I’m doing okay or I’ll ask them a quick question that is currently on my mind and requires a quick response. But what would happen if I ever tried to ask them for help on classroom management, serious behavior issues, or other questions that took more than a two-sentence response? They’re always rushing around and talking to me in passing, I never know when they have spare time to talk with me. I am set up to be a one-man army in a battle that I have never fought, and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stand my ground alone. Even worse, I am now at the far end of the hallway, which means that I’m not only fighting my own battle but I’m stuck on my own island with very little means to call in reinforcements if necessary. Essentially, I just don’t know if my defense is strong enough for everything that will come my way.

As a side note, I was also kind of bothered by he fact that I didn’t make it into my principal’s “Kudos” list this week. She sends us an email each day, and every once in a while she likes including specific praise to teachers who were caught performing their jobs outstandingly. This week, she had an extremely long list of teachers…and I was not one of them. I know my teaching hasn’t been extraordinary in the least, but after everything that has been going on I thought I would get something, like “Kudos to Miss G for being so understanding when we moved her classroom” or “Kudos to Miss G for actually getting her students singing!” or “Kudos to Miss G for trying her best to help us create a solid music curriculum at the school.” Just sayin’.

(By the way, the last comment was for my mom, and anyone else who happened to see the “Just Sayin’” bit on John Stewart the other night)