"If you expect respect..."

Once again, it’s been a while since I last blogged. Let’s recap a little:

Number of times my schedule has changed: 2…or was it 3…

Number of fights broken out in my room: 3

Number of times I have heard “I hate this class”: Infinity plus one

Number of “I hate this class” comments that I knew were untrue but still did not enjoy hearing: that same infinity plus one

Number of tears cried: Too many to count

Number of smiles: Not enough for my liking

I know it’s not the most enlightening list. But as I stated in my last post, this month hasn’t been the easiest. There have been days when I’ve come home so incredibly frustrated because I was not able to actually teach, I could not properly manage my classroom, I had to make way too many phone calls home, and on several occasions I ended up feeling absolutely worthless.

I’ll be honest – there were a couple of days in these past couple weeks where I let myself wallow in the pain of teaching failure. Luckily, however, I was able to brush myself off (or at least brush off enough to get me by) and address my issues from a more logical stance. I asked my mentors for help and advice, I went to professional development meetings, and I brainstormed as much as possible. In the end, I came to several extremely important conclusions. First, I reminded myself that this is a highly intimidating setting for a first-year teacher and that I have never done this before. Second, not only is this a learning process for me, it’s also a process for my students. They are dealing with a hefty amount of change – new procedures, new teachers, new curriculums, and now music class for the first time in forever – and dealing with change for anyone can give a major shock to your system. Third, I realized (with a small bit of shame) that I was not holding myself to the same standards to which I attempt to hold my kids. While observing one of the best substitute teachers that works at our school, I asked her just how she gets these kids to listen to her and actually enjoy her teaching. She simply stated, “I show them the respect they want to see. They won’t give you respect unless they see that you will show them respect – that’s simple human nature.” At that moment, I felt completely ridiculous for not figuring this out earlier. I even have a poster on my wall that I refer to with my kids: “If you expect respect, be the first to show it.” It was MY responsibility to be the first to show respect. And it’s not that I don’t respect my kids – it’s simply that I have gotten so caught up in the frustration of keeping them in line that I have neglected to treat them like people. Instead of trying to mend bridges with my children, I was essentially adding oil to the flames and hoping the bridges wouldn’t burn.

A friend asked me yesterday if I thought I would stay in this job longer than a year. I honestly don’t know how I will feel about my position once my contract ends, and it is impossible for me to predict my future decisions at this point in the game. Nevertheless, I have now convinced myself that I must not leave these kids until I am sure that our bridges have been rebuilt and will remain stabilized for years to come in their education.