"Find your own light"

I am currently in a career and life quandary…however, I’m not sure if I really need to be in a quandary at all. Since it’s me, I guess I’m practically required to rationalize, overanalyze, and question to the point of insanity. Let’s backtrack a bit…Tuesday was my interview with Columbus City. Although it was just a preliminary round and nothing major, I still got good vibes from the whole experience; as with anything in my life, I thrive on the adrenaline of my “gut feelings” and usually take them as truth. I came home in my super-psyched state to discover an interesting twist when I opened my computer: the Dayton charter school offered me the job. Needless to say, it was rather unexpected. I should be excited, right? This was THE job that I had been fighting for, and now it was being given to me. Unfortunately, this unending pang of uncertainty and hesitation has kept me from saying yes.

So these past few days have been harrowingly nerve-wracking for the natural worrier in me. I’ve taken the advice of a professor and good friend and made a list of pros and cons. The list was helpful to an extent, except for the fact that seeing ANY cons on the list worried me still. I tried to look at the situation realistically while also maintaining my drive to find where I most belong. This too has proven to be hard right now—I can’t decide if this school is where I belong, but the fact that I’m getting any kind of a job offer in the current economic situation is a feat and a turn of fate that I’m not sure I want to tamper with right now. All of my emotions boil down to one: the fear of regret that I will make the wrong decision.

But honestly, what is the “right” decision anyway? It’s my life, and while I do strongly believe in fate, in the end it all depends on what I decide to do with the cards I’m dealt. I need to stop thinking five, ten, twenty years ahead with my life right now. All I should be concerned with is what I’m going to do in the next year, and once I figure out my school year plans I can take it one day and one small step at a time. As that same professor/friend wisely told me, the present is not forever. Just because I choose to work somewhere next year does not mean that I will have to be stuck in one place for the rest of my life. There are other possibilities out there and more opportunities if I keep my eyes open, my thoughts positive, and observe opportunities that fall into my lap.

Which brings me back to the current very big but equally daunting opportunity that seems to have fallen rather laboriously in front of me. On one hand, this could be a good opportunity for the present. It’s a job that gives me a lot of creative freedom, and the experiences I will have with the students and administration (both positive and negative) will help shape my future career in some way. However, with this creative and musical freedom comes the burden of creating an entire curriculum from scratch in a setting that I’ve never taught in before. Heck, I’ve never really taught anywhere, so how can I properly discipline students who have never had to learn proper behaviors in a music classroom? I also wonder if it’s the best opportunity I will be able to find. A lot can happen in the next few months, but with the state of the current economy a lot could not happen or fall apart too.

I keep thinking back to Buddha’s (supposedly) final words: “Doubt everything. Find your own light.” I saw it written on a poster the same day I heard about the Dayton school, and I’ve been trying my best to decipher and follow it ever since. In my job search process, what doubts are valid to have? And where will I be able to find my “own light”? Maybe my dilemma right now is that my light is still waiting to be discovered in some opportunity that is currently unbeknownst to me. Or maybe my light is simply being snuffed underneath the worrying, doubt, and trepidation that I have been excessively exuding.

So what will end up being stronger—the feeling of regret towards missing out on an opportunity because I jumped too soon at an offer, or regretting missing the opportunity that was right there at my fingertips??

To Be Where My Feet Are

The Future. That’s the great big unknown that’s on everyone’s minds, no matter what stage of life in which they currently find themselves. And lately, everyone close to me has been concerned with what my future holds: What are my career plans? Where do I intend to be? Who am I going to become? And no matter how badly I want to give people answers (and want to have answers for my own peace of mind)…I simply can’t.

All I keep worrying about lately is that unknown ahead of me. I don’t know where I’ll be in the fall, and I don’t know what I’ll be doing. This also means that I have no idea what lies further into the future—Grad School? A PhD? Stuck in the same job in which I started? Doing something other than teaching or music? The Great Unknown that is the future is simply a mystery to me…what I need to remember is that that’s exactly how it should be.

I keep thinking back to the last mass I went to at UD. The Sister who made the opening remarks gave a special message for the graduating Seniors. Among her many moving words about what the future held for us, she reminded us to always keep our hearts where our feet were. Sounds simple enough, right? Yet the future can be an intriguing force, particularly for someone like me who is constantly trying to move forward. With all of these worries floating through my head about my future career and all of the other concerned people around me adding to my desire to not disappoint, thinking about my future has basically become an obsession. I have already started to forget that the most beneficial and effective thing I can do for myself at this point is to embrace and focus on the now. Every day is a gift, and every moment can bring new opportunities and adventures. But if all I do is fret about what’s waiting around the corner for me, I could actually end up missing out on something amazing.

Being “where my feet are” also entails that I need to refrain from these feelings of regret. Are there aspects of my college career that I wish had panned out differently? Yes, but I also created countless memories that made me the person I am today, and there is no way of changing the past anyway. Do I wish that some of the interviews that I’ve had thus far could have gone differently? Yes, definitely, but as I said before there is no way of changing the past. Would I rather be off having amazing adventures like some of my friends this summer than staying here to fret about finding a job? Of course, and I would love to be joining them right now. I’ll readily admit that I’m jealous of my best friend who is off living in Italy or of the UD travelers lucky enough to return to Jamaica and see the students I fell in love with only a year ago. But those are their adventures to be had right now, and I’ll be able to have my own again when the time is right.

If all I do is obsess over my regrets, I won’t be able to live my life to its fullest. And if I keep stressing over what the future holds, I’ll actually end up missing out on the experiences that arise. So, in short, what I need to do is accept my past for what it has given me, leave the future to run the course that it is meant to travel, and always keep my heart in the present—right where my feet are.

Oh boredom, you are a terrible foe

It’s funny how such a drastic change in my schedule can really mess up my concentration. I remember earlier in the semester when I was at the peak of my task-mastering. All I could think was, “How the heck did I get myself into so much? What was I thinking?!” But I plowed through the seemingly endless responsibilities, and I kept thinking how great it was going to feel once I was graduated and free from all of the student teacher craziness. However, now that I’m “free,” I would give anything to be back in that mode again. Without a plan lined up yet for the fall, I want to kick my job searching into high gear. Unfortunately, there are moments when I simply have to be at a standstill. Either it’s the weekend and therefore I can’t call any schools, the websites I check every day have no new updates, or I can’t find any more applications to fill out. This means that in the past three weeks, I believe I’ve been on the computer for more hours doing absolutely nothing than I have in the entire semester. I’ve watched more clips on YouTube and Hulu and checked my Facebook more religiously than I ever have in my college career. And it’s all because if I don’t do something to keep my mind occupied, I’ll do nothing but sit and worry about the future. Boredom and my own mind have become my greatest enemies, and they won’t be combated for at least another few weeks. My biggest concern is that this boredom (and the continual pang of worry in my mind) will affect my motivation and drive to keep looking for a job. What will inevitably be stronger- my passion for teaching or the fear that freezes me into lethargy?

Maybe I’ll take to scrapbooking again…

When One Door Closes...

I’d like to say that another door has finally opened for me. But this is only my second post, so how much could really change in a day? However, I have cracked a few more windows, including one involving a position that hasn’t even been posted yet but was given to me by a very close friend (One thing I’ve learned in this whole mess called the job hunt: it’s always good to have people on your side that can vouch for your abilities and your genuineness).

I also had some other professional breakthroughs. While I was accompanying a professor for a dedication ceremony, I was introduced to the Dean of the College of Arts & Sciences at UD, who said he recognized my name from a number of things; he remembered reading my file for an award I was nominated for and said that what I’ve done is very impressive (yes!). Then I finally got a copy of the TRIAD, where I had an entire four pages dedicated to my thesis research. How ‘bout THAT for something professional to show during interviews?

Despite the fact that the economy totally stinks and the chance for a job is up in the air for practically anyone, I’m still holding on to the hope that my successes over the past four years at UD can work in my favor at one point. I have worked hard and stayed strong to achieve the things I have done as an undergrad, and I’m thoroughly proud of the marks I have made on UD (at least I’m hoping I’ve made good marks). I know plenty of people have acknowledged my accomplishments, and I sincerely appreciate it. But it’s not that I’m looking for waves of praise and compliments from potential employers. I just hope that something that I’ve done as an undergrad, whether it be the research that I’ve published, the students that I’ve taught, or even the repertoire that I’ve played, will be seen by someone as a mark of a promising teacher. I want someone out there to believe that I have a chance at making a mark on the youth of America. I may not believe in myself every day, but I hope someone in some administration out there will feel like it’s worth taking the chance with me. And despite my uncertainties and insecurities, I can say with confidence that I would do anything in my power from disappointing people.

How Can I Be The Change?

I have officially been a graduate of The University of Dayton for two weeks and three days. I’d like to say that between then and now I’ve begun my adjustment into the “real world”—gotten a job, found a new place, established myself as an independent woman. Unfortunately, saying that I’ve made my switch into the real world would be a lie. Well, half a lie. I have found jobs teaching…but they are only part-time and will only get me by for the time being. I’m finishing my move into a new place…where I’m really no more than a squatter because I’m not even on the contract and will only be staying there for a couple of months. I am desperately searching for my independence…but a lack of a full-time job (and therefore a lack of adequate income) has left me to still rely on my parents for many things. Basically, I haven’t become an active contributor to the real world yet, but I’m trying. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough, or maybe I’m just worrying too much, I can’t really decide.

As far as the job front goes, here’s what I’ve accomplished so far:

--Applications Completed: let’s just leave it at a LOT
--Number of Cover Letters/Resumes Sent Out: once again, a LOT
--Interviews That Are Like Real Interviews (But Actually Get Me Nowhere): 6
--Real Interviews: 3 (and one more on the way next week!)
--Follow-Up Interviews: 1
--Failed Attempts to Get Useful Information From Schools: ugh
--Number of Headaches Formed, Arguments with Parents, Tears Cried, etc: infinity

The single follow-up I had consisted of me giving a sample lesson to a class. They told me that I would find out about whether or not I got the job by Friday…of last week. I’m not sure what to think about it all, but my gut tells me that their lack of communication is not a good sign. It also doesn’t help my hope when I remember how the principal of the school began our conversation after my lesson with the comment, “Well, it wasn’t a bad lesson, but…” Yeah, probably not a good sign.

I really have come to despise this interview process. When potential employers meet me, I want them to see that I’m passionate about music, passionate about teaching, and most of all passionate about having a positive impact on my students’ lives. But I’m having an incredibly difficult time getting this across in one 30-minute interview. Maybe I need to re-think my responses to their questions. Maybe I need to work on being more concise, less flowery, and just get to what they really want to hear (if I can figure out what that is). Maybe I just need to stop worrying all the time about everything.

Or maybe I really haven’t found the job where I would have a positive and influential impact on children’s lives. I have developed this intense yearning for a career where I can make children happy, help them grow to be more creative and sensitive beings, and help them find success. I don’t want to just make beautiful music, I want to nurture beautiful people in whatever sense that means to each individual. Essentially, as Gandhi put it, I want to be the change that I see in the world. But what if these dreams that I believe come from the heart are actually lofty and presumptuous ideas? What if there truly aren’t any children out there who need the minimal change that I can provide? If you look at it from a certain perspective, my desire to change my students could be pure conceit.

I know, it is pointless to have such worries now before I’ve even gotten a job. But it’s me, and I’m an expert in unnecessary premature stressing. Excessive worrying is simply in my nature, as is wanting to succeed in the tasks I take to heart and always doing right by people. So unfortunately, I don’t know if my worrying will be stopping any time soon this summer.

All of these recent ponderings bear a surprising relation to a quote I saw on a piece of jewelry in Kohl’s today (yes, Kohl’s, of all places): “The greatest gift you can give the world is to be the person you dream you can be.” Funny how inspiration can arise in the most unlikely of places—here I was looking for bedding, and instead I found motivation. I don’t know what lies ahead for me in the coming weeks, months, years. But honestly, how could I? Only time, determination, and faith will map out the path I take. All I can do is hope for the best and continue to dream that one day I’ll be one of the many great people who make change in this world.

But first...I need a job.