Be happy, and great things will come

Two major television events occurred last night: the Hope for Haiti Telethon to raise money and awareness for the earthquake victims and their troubled town, and Conan O’Brien’s last run hosting The Tonight Show. Although neither had much of any connection to one another, they both had my heartstrings in a tight stronghold. I knew the telethon would have this effect on me before I even watched it, as the concept of a nationwide rally to openly give money and time to people we don’t even know is truly touching in these often selfish times. Performances of “Let it Be,” “Rivers of Babylon,” and other humbling songs by famous artists brought me to tears several times while watching the event.

However, I was most surprised to also find myself in tears by the end of Conan O’Brien’s show. I started watching the episode still quite annoyed by the whole Tonight Show debacle, and I thought it was silly that Conan had to leave the show after only seven months. But once he started giving his closing monologue, my perspective changed. He kept saying how he thought of himself as one of the most fortunate people for having the opportunity to have such a prosperous career. Even though his Tonight Show run was cut much shorter than expected, he saw it as a fantastic experience and was truly proud of every moment he had there. Just because things panned out not quite as expected – which rarely happens in life anyway – he could not have asked for a better job with better people. Above all, he hoped that if he could teach his audience one thing it would be to not feel cynical about the issue. Negativity is one of Conan’s least favorite traits to embody, for he is sure that if you stay happy, great and wonderful things will inevitably come your way.

It’s often hard to remember not to be cynical or negative when life isn’t going quite how we expected. I feel it’s simply human nature to get bogged down by the bad when we feel at our lowest. And at school, the bad surfaces a lot more often than I could have ever expected. But why should I focus on those moments of weakness? I’m only hurting myself if I immerse my thoughts in all the things that went wrong in a day, and positivity is an infectious feeling that I should try to give my students every day. After all, they could use a little positive energy a lot more than I could.

So to give my salute to one of my favorite television hosts ever, I am going to follow his direction and reflect on the happy and fulfilling moments of my week:

- One of my kindergartners told me that she went home and taught her mom how to read and write rhythms.

- I was able to command the attention and respect of the ISS students (arguably my toughest critics in class) quicker than the teacher running it.

- I was able to gather a group of fourth graders at literally the last minute to rehearse the Star Spangled Banner to sing for an assembly. They trusted me enough to agree to sing for all grades, including the Junior Academy. My “Lil’ 10” is now ready and willing to sing whenever I need them.

- Several of my classes actually sat quietly to listen to and read about Mozart!

- An eighth grader who once proclaimed to my face that she didn’t need to listen to me because I was shorter than her was suddenly sitting by me during the basketball game and telling me who was cute on the other team.

- I also gained a boyfriend at the game. Granted, he’s only five years old, but that’s just a minor detail (literally! Hah!)

Those are only a small handful of the many happy moments I had this week. What happiness can you find in your life?

P.S. – I know that the last time I mentioned a brand name, a representative from said company actually saw my blog and commented on the post. So if any Conan O’Brien reps out there are reading this, tell him that I think he ROCKS!!

All they see is love

Despite my lack of confidence in my teaching abilities the majority of the time, I am quite stubborn when it comes to changing my ways. I feel like I always have to be right, that I always have to know the perfect way to teach a lesson successfully. In reality, however, this is an absolutely pointless notion to have, as I am a first year teacher who cannot possibly know every effective teaching technique. So when I finally remember to let my pride go and listen to my peers and colleagues for advice, it is an extremely enlightening and thought-provoking experience.

This week, my inspiring conversation was with my principal, who also happens to be my mentor for the entry-year teacher program. I’ve been discussing my classroom struggles with her via a reflective journal, and she decided to talk to me in person about my most recent entry. I had written about the fact that I try my best to stay positive no matter what type of teaching day I have, yet there are still some behavior issues that completely frustrate and confuse me. She then went on to calmly explain the perspective that she has experienced with the students at the school and how it can be successfully approached.

If I have not mentioned it before in this blog, the student population at my school is almost entirely African-American. Yet I don’t intend to make this a discussion of race, but rather a discussion of cultures. The culture that I was raised in, the way people interacted with me, and the methods that were used to teach me all throughout grade school are entirely different than those of my students. They have grown up in an environment that is completely foreign to me and that I will never quite be able to fathom. I have known this to be true for a while now, but it wasn’t until I talked to my principal that I considered the possibility that this could be affecting my ability to affectively manage my classroom.

My principal told me how many students have revealed to their intervention teacher that they are frustrated with “too many white teachers” working at the school. However, when the teacher asked them what they thought when they saw the principal, they replied that all they see is love. This is a groundbreaking statement to hear, and it means that those students have been able to look past the color of her skin to see the person she is. She told me that once I can achieve this with all of my students, the classroom environment would change drastically.

I would never say that I was racist – if I were, I highly doubt that I would even be capable of surviving a job like this. But our conversation made me realize that I don’t fully take into consideration the fact that my students are of a different culture than I am. Many frustrations I have towards their lack of organization, rambunctious behavior, and the general way they interact have become so heated because it is a vast contrast from what I experienced in school. My culture is not like theirs, and to expect them to act completely opposite from what they are surrounded by every day is ridiculous. I of course need to keep their behavior in check, but I would never want to change the heart of who they are, and I believe my disciplining has given the impression that I want to do just that. I have never seen my students as simply a color of skin, but I now fear that

The conversation with my principal has now given me many questions that have kept my head spinning. Have I tried to connect with my students in all the wrong ways? How can I utilize effective classroom management without my students feeling attacked? How can I prove my acknowledgement and respect for their perspectives without compromising my own way of being? Have I already started to compromise my personal way of teaching by trying to be too much like the “tougher” teachers in the school? I am incredibly ashamed that I have not contemplated all of this sooner in the school year, especially when I start to think back on all the management methods I had thought were successful may have actually come off as arrogant and snobby. But as I said at the beginning of this post, it is foolish to believe that I know everything about teaching, and I should be grateful that someone was caring enough to help put these thoughts spinning in my head at all.

Hopefully one day I can prove to all my students that I see them as more than just a skin color, and in turn when they see me they see nothing but genuine love.

Resolution #1: Write more blog entries

I really do think that blogging my thoughts will help me focus my energies and reflect on what occurs in the teaching world. A day where something disheartening happens can bring me down so much, but when observed against all of the positive findings it never seems quite so bad. So because it is much more productive and fulfilling to be able to think happy thoughts, I will make the concerted effort to collect my ponderings into more blog entries.

This first week back of teaching was as to be expected in many ways, and was extremely unexpected in others. The kids were unruly in many respects and definitely not ready to back from break (actually, many teachers were not ready to be back from break). And with the prediction of snow coming true but no snow days to be had, the school as a whole was simply unable to get itself back into a steady routine. Inside my own classroom, however, small yet incredibly significant changes were witnessed. Yes, I still had the same kids who could not remember to stay in their seats, got into silly arguments with me, and did not particularly feel like doing work. But their demeanor and perspective seemed different than the students I had before winter break. They seemed legitimately interested in what we were doing in class that day, not just wanting to complain about more work. They acted like they wanted to learn, not like they wanted to butt heads. I was especially surprised and heartened by the behavior of my eighth graders and the look in their eyes – a look of respect and acceptance, not distrust and annoyance. It’s as if seeing the holiday concert and the quality of what we put on stage made them all realize that I wasn’t here just to yell at them for their improper behavior then leave two months later. They have realized that I am here as their teacher, as a music mentor, and as someone who actually wants to give them the opportunity to shine.

So does this mean that all my classroom issues have been solved? No, not in the least. But three extremely important elements have finally been established that are necessary for future success: consistent procedures are setting in, interest in participating has grown much stronger, and respect is settling into the atmosphere of our classroom. This hopefully means that the coming quarter will bring opportunities for deeper and more reflective music lessons. Essentially, I am hoping that I will get to truly teach the way I have wanted to teach. At the beginning of the year, for instance, I would have died if I had incorporated any bit of music theory or the history of classical music into the curriculum. Now I’m having kids ask me if we can learn more about notes and rhythms and discuss composers like Mozart and Beethoven. What had once seemed impossible is now highly probable – my goodness, it’s a miracle!

I believe this is an excellent time to quote a lovely line from Thumbelina, a guilty pleasure movie that I just found this weekend at Target on DVD: “You’re sure to do impossible things, if you follow your heart…”

"Pressure, pushing down on me..."

All I can think of right now is that stupid song by The Police and how it totally describes how I currently feel. Tomorrow is our first day back to school from Winter Break, and I’m having a huge panic attack thinking about how it’s going to go. No matter how much I tried to prepare for it, I have a sinking feeling that I just won’t be able to anticipate just how overwhelming, draining, and discouraging it will be. Yes, I know that all teachers say that all of the students will be off the chain because their malleable minds have been on hiatus and have therefore gone to mush. This of course means that they need to be molded back into a form that knows how to follow class rules and procedures so they can actually learn something. But how do I know if I am capable of molding them? Who am I to say that I have that power? And if I don’t have that power, what’s going to happen to me in these next two weeks or so?

I want to say that I’m a fighter. I want to believe that I will be able to overcome my classes of unruly, judgmental, and hurtful kids and become a music teacher that can actually teach them. But there is a very large part of me tonight that fears I won’t have enough fight in me. I fear that the amount of strength I can muster from this tiny body will be succumbed by the dominating attitudes of my kids. Instead of molding these important minds, I’ll be brought down by their ignorant and defensive behaviors.

But maybe I am just overwhelming myself. Maybe I will get back there, get back into the swing of things, and surprise myself. Maybe I really have grown a lot more than I think I have since I first started this school year.

So maybe I should be focusing on the other song that keeps running through my head:

“You may say I’m a dreamer/But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you will join us/ And the world will be as one.”

I guess we’ll see tomorrow.