A Season of Thanks

I know this entry is a few days late, but in keeping with the holiday spirit, here is a list of just the few things I am thankful for:

1. My wonderful and supporting family.

2. My beloved friends, who are just like family.

3. The fact that my health has stayed strong throughout this first year of teaching (save for a few flu-like scares and the usual sniffly nose).

4. Having a job during these tough economic times, and for the fact that my dad has been able to keep his job despite this year’s company scares.

5. My kids, who continue to teach me lessons on music, life, and love with every lesson I teach them.

My life is currently crazy, super-charged, stressful, and laced with sporadic moments of revelation and rejection. This school year has made me laugh and cry, discover and question. However, no matter what has been and continues to be thrown at me, I can always be thankful for the things that remain uplifting and the people who act as my foundation, motivation, and emotional rock.

So thank you to all of you out there who care – hopefully you’re reading this J.

"The road to glory..."

It has been a very long time since I’ve last written on here. There have been several reasons for my neglect. For one, I have now entered a time in the school year where I have become ridiculously overwhelmed. With the end of the first quarter bringing tons of grading and catch-up time and the beginning of the second quarter bringing the lovely unexpected surprise of a ton of new classes, the past few weeks have been a lot to deal with. This busy period also involves preparation time for my first (and the school’s first) music performance; thinking about this event has left me feeling excited, overwhelmed, scared, and discouraged (and often all four at once).

Finally, as much as it pains me to admit this, I have been avoiding writing a blog entry because I was incredibly afraid of what the end product would be. Although the past month of school has had its positive moments, it has also been incredibly frustrating and has left me unsure of my teaching ability, my future career, and myself as a human being many a time. What hasn’t helped is that I have also become deeply concerned about my life outside of school. Working at a place where the kids could usually care less about me and treat my class like a punishment – and where the administration and fellow teachers seem to have the same mindset – and then coming home to an empty apartment and feeling like everyone close to me now sees me as an afterthought has become emotionally draining. I know I let a lot of it get to my head too much, but when I’m surrounded by so much negativity, stress, and frustration on a daily basis I find it extremely hard to feel anything but depressed.

Despite all of these draining emotions, there is one little message that keeps me going every morning: “Your road to glory will be rocky, but fulfilling.” I got it on a fortune cookie around the time that I started to become overwhelmed by everything. It may have just been coincidence, but I think it was a small reminder from something or someone to never forget why I took this job. It may not be what I had anticipated, and it may be harder than I could have ever planned. But I wanted to teach in a place like this because I wanted to be more than just a teacher – I wanted to be a changer of lives. I wanted to be the change I saw in the world.

Let’s just hope I can make some sort of positive change by the end of the school year.

To do all things with love

I started this entry a long while ago, but I kept losing my motivation to post it (and my more recent post will try to explain why). I finally decided that it’s getting ridiculous and I need to just put it out there for all of cyberworld to see…before I change my mind again:

It can get quite hard to be in a job like this and not get bogged down by all of the negative energy floating throughout the school – with the students, the frustrated administration and staff, and the stress of keeping enrollment numbers up enough to pass state requirements. So it’s understandable that I would also get sucked into these feelings of frustration and anxiety, and there are definitely many a time where I throw my arms up in defeat because I can’t think of anything else to do. I am reaching a high point of stress myself, as my sixth and eighth graders are rebelling against me, I can’t get my first graders to sit still long enough to learn, and my third and fourth graders are incredibly needy about totally non-music related subjects (like going to the bathroom). However, no matter how horrible certain parts of my day were, I almost always leave with a smile. Why, you ask? Here are a few reasons.

1. These kids are tested until their brains hurt on a daily basis. As resistant as they are to taking a “specials” class seriously, they will eventually come to appreciate the chance to be creative and express their genuine selves.

2. I’m teaching more than just music – I’m teaching these kids how to be people who can not just function but thrive once they leave for the real world.

3. I know that the more obstacles we face together right now, the more fulfilling it will be to finally find success.

4. What I don’t think a lot of people realize is that these are just kids – they are still growing, learning, and should be forgiven and offered the chance to prove themselves even after they falter.

5. If I do nothing else right during the day, I can at least offer a hug to someone who may not feel a whole lot of love throughout the rest of his or her day.

6. These kids are used to people leaving their lives on a regular basis, both in and outside of school. Every day that they see me come back further proves that I’m not just part of the trend.

7. There will always be some teacher who’s around to fill a typical music position at a public or private school. In this case, however, there are so few teachers that would dare to apply, much less take the job.

8. No matter how much I go through in a day, nothing can compare to what my kids have to endure in their everyday lives.

9. I love the opportunity to give my students the kind of voice some of them never even knew they had.

10. If I don’t fight to give these children the gift of music education, who will?