I would love to say that my Spring Concerts went off without a hitch, but we all know that such a statement would not be plausible. It is probably a blogger’s blessing that I did not get a chance to write during that frenzied stage of my teaching career. I was so full of doubt, anxiety, frustration, even anger about everything that took place; it would have been hard for me to be completely positive about the experience. Despite the feelings of regret for what happened and what did not, I am at least able to look back on it now and feel some sense of pride in what we were able to accomplish. The production was definitely not perfect, but as with any type of performance, the best I can do is to strive to make each time better than the one before. It was this simple yet significant life lesson that helped me through any feelings of regret that may have stemmed from the spring show and pushed me to keep moving forward.
All in all, it’s pretty safe to say that I completed my first year of teaching with my sanity intact (or at least what was left of it when I started the year). There are many situations I would have approached differently and many lessons I ran out of time to teach, yet each new year brings new opportunities to try new techniques and make up for lost time. I have not quite decided if it was incredibly bold or incredibly ludicrous of me to sign on for another year at my school – it was stressful and made me question the small shred of talent I thought I might have, but it was a learning experience far beyond the measure of what I thought I could find in my first year of teaching. Whatever the case may be, this second year will bring new opportunities to grow, be challenged, find stress, question my abilities, and always force me to fight for what I firmly believe: that all students, regardless of culture, opinion, or personal background, have an important musical voice that deserves to be heard.
Part of me regrets that I did not write a detailed account of my life over these last four months, especially since they were some of the most significant ones of the school year. Another part of me, however – an awakened, better rounded me – that now understands that life must sometimes be celebrated in the moment rather than written about detail-by- detail. There were so many important events that have helped change my way of living and my life perspective over these four months. Seeing UD friends graduate and realize how much I’ve already changed in just a year, watching my brother graduate high school and contemplate all that has happened since my own walk as a Decem Decori five years ago, spending my first summer completely on my own and free to find my own adventures, saying one of the hardest goodbyes to someone who I love like family as he goes to start his own new life – all of this and more have made me realize what I can miss by studying or doing work every minute of the day. This summer has shown me the value of taking time for myself and that letting go from my career for a while does not mean I am letting go from my passion. I hope this second year of teaching brings me more opportunities to find the balance between my career and my personal life, for a life without balance I fear is not one that is genuinely fulfilled.
My first entry in this blog began with a checklist of what I had completed in my teaching career at that point. It only seems fitting to complete another checklist of my most current accomplishments:
-- Number of job contracts signed: 2 (1 full time, 1 private lessons)
-- Number of concerts directed: 4
-- Number of individual private student performances: 10
-- Number of discouraging conversations with students: many
-- Number of discouraging conversations with students’ parents: more than many
-- Number of heartening conversations with students and parents: more than enough to negate any other less-than-pleasant encounter
-- Number of times I have doubted myself: how many times would every other day be?
-- Number of people who have constantly restated their faith in me: enough to help me survive the year (and more years to come)
-- Number of Headaches Formed, Arguments with Students (and staff), Tears Cried, etc: still infinity
-- Number of years completed in my career: 1
Not a bad checklist for one year. My original intention had been to stop writing in this blog after my first year of teaching. Yet now, after having reflected on how much I’ve accomplished in this first year against how much more I could experience in the coming years, stopping now does not seem like enough. I honestly don’t know how often I will stop to write here once the school year starts, because as I stated before, living life for all it’s worth has reached a new significance for me. Change is the only true constant in my life – my changing aspirations, goals, opinions, values, friends, loved ones – and I can only take so many pauses in the ever-shifting action to write it all down. But I will try my best to document this year’s events, from the tears cried to the joys celebrated. I can only hope someone can learn from reading these accounts one day…even if that person is me, years (or months) down the road when change has overwhelmed me and I need a reminder that it is a constant to be embraced rather than feared.
